On The Light Side

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by lesjude, Jan 10, 2013.

  1. lesjude

    lesjude Registered User

    Why Go to Church?
    One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her
    son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he
    replied, "I'm not going."
    "Why not?" she asked.
    I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and
    (2), I don't like them."
    His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go
    to church:
    (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

    The Picnic
    A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's
    annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
    "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
    really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
    understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't
    know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried
    Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you
    going to break down and try it?"
    The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your
    wedding."

    The Usher

    An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
    usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
    "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
    "The front row, please," she answered.
    "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is
    really boring."
    "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
    "No," he said.
    "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
    "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
    "No," she said.
    "Good," he answered.

    Show and Tell

    A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
    Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented
    their religion to share with the class.
    The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
    Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
    The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
    Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
    The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
    Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."


    The Best Way To Pray

    A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
    prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
    "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
    "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands
    outstretched to Heaven."
    "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position
    is lying down on the floor."
    The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
    interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside
    down from a telephone pole."

    The Twenty and the One

    A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar
    bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
    As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
    conversation.
    The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the
    country.
    "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been
    to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York ,
    performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
    "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
    "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
    lifetime?"
    The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church ,
    the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
    The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


    Goat for Dinner
    The young couple invited their elderly pastor for
    Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the
    minister asked their son what they were having.
    "Goat," the little boy replied.
    "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
    that?"
    "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as
    good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
     

Share This Page